the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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