Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
