My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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