Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
