go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
