My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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