I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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