mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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