Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
