I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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