I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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