Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
