my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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