Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dignity is for republicans.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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