Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
