i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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