Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
