Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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