I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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