Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
