My first STD was from a foam party
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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