everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
