I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Randomize
