sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
