my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
