My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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