I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
