I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Im part way to drunk.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
