I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
