I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
