Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
