My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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