Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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