ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
