It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
