I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
