Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
