I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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