just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
