Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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