wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
