I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
