when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
