Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
