turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
