if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
