even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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