i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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