Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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