my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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