Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
