Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
