FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
