I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
