Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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