Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
