No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
