So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
